a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
