a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
