a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
This is my cat’s medicine.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
