A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
making sure he doesnt get away
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.