A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Oh my god
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?