A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Weighing up my bread heating options
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing