A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
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House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.