A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
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Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders