Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm