A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.