A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My dog after a walk in the woods.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands