A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”