A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
making sure he doesnt get away
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Guys which shade of gery should I get
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
