a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round