Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass