Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”