Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Hero horse inspires millions

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

This is painfully accurate 😅

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.