A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.