Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Monday