A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Seems kinda suspicious
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you