A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.