A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
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Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol