Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

i’m so sick of this guy

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.