Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

Math at Halloween.

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.