a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
You Might Also Like
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.