Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.