A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
You Might Also Like
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Guy who likes music
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!