@fightforfood

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

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@Michabean

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

@dorsalstream

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

@jonnysun

[whole foods]
WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin
EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here
WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice

@nbadag

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

@Mom_Overboard

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

@Kcamp_95

My boyfriend broke up with because I make too many Linkin Park references, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.

@buriedwithkids

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

@robertwmaxwell

[Sticks note to your door with a knife]

I had a really nice time last night

@A_Bit_Too_Rude

*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*