A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?