My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin
EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here
WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?
[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
My boyfriend broke up with because I make too many Linkin Park references, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
[Sticks note to your door with a knife]
I had a really nice time last night
*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*
*forgets where he left it*