Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.