A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I have a place for everything. The floor.