A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Mapping America’s Far Right
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
crying
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.