A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.