Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.