a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
You Might Also Like
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?