Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

Art by Pastelkatto

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

This dude got his own movie?

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.