Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

Breaking news:

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Glasses

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh