A game married people play.
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Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?