Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

[canadians at you, canadianly]

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine