Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

just arby’s bein’ a bro

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.