A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.