@WineMummy

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

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@DannyEarl

Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming

@NoticablyBacon

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

@JessicaVarsity

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

@MaraWilson

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

@hansabumsadaisy

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@Donna_McCoy

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

@curlycomedy

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”