A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
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As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.