Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.