[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
You Might Also Like
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Me sliding into hell like
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I’m not stressed
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?