A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
no way 😭
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Succinctly put.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!