A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Webb. James Webb.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house