Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!