a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
You Might Also Like
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Not today. 😅
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.