a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
That earthquake could have been an email.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.