a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
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Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head