a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
