a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
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Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino