Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road