A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
God tier horse name today on the sims
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
i could never be president. im overqualified.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith