A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The 4 stages of a family vacation
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
