A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
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What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Ovenable?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
No, I don’t think I will.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
