Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

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