A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store