A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
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Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid