@Adam14

A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

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@david8hughes

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

@Iwriteforcats

Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”

@cosmicbibi

My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.

@mymumps

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.

@warbird622

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

@TheCiscoKidder

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

@ArfMeasures

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

@themiltron

her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids