Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
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Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”
My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids