Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

plums roundup

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet