A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
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Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”