A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.