Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂👽

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.