Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why no one uses midhusbands

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.