A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.