A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
You Might Also Like
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.