A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
me to God
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.