A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
#FunnyLife Insects
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”