Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….