Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Why is everyone getting married at me