A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
☠️
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone