A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I hydrated. Surrender now.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.