A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
🗽
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink