Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas’ hair has been wet for 20 years.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.
If we start calling it ‘potato juice’, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??
Who says great literature is dead?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.