@Grommit56

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

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@AmishPornStar1

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

@CakeThrottle

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

@illTortuga

All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas’ hair has been wet for 20 years.

@Jesssicle

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

@FU_TangClan

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

@Poutymcgee

<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.

@donjuantip

If we start calling it ‘potato juice’, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

@rickolantern

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.