@Grommit56

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

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@Cheeseboy22

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

@JamesonN7

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

@ClichedOut

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

@sock_holliday

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

@anerdonfire2

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

@RalphSudafed

My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

@dubstep4dads

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit