A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I bet
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.